Is this living ?

"All my Words were bound to fail , But I know you won't fail ."

2005-06-22T23:14:57Z

..... If everything ended today I wouldn't take back a single thing ive done , I wouldn't try to rebuild the bridges Ive burned with Bottles of aged Whiskey . Cause Ive come to terms with a life not worth regreting . Instead I try to sing a song about the rights in my life turned wrongs . Cause theres nothing you can do if a persons standards are too high for you , cause as long as you can reach your own ..... you better off alone .

>spring

2005-05-16T16:58:11Z

Things are happening , I Can't exlain it , Or see it . But there Hapening .

blues eyes , your the sweetest thing !

2005-05-09T16:59:09Z

im still alive ..... that is all

Cookies and Orangejuice keeping me going !

2005-05-04T11:50:55Z

" why do I try to build from things that were nothing ? "

Man life is SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET and I have a never ending resource of good times ahead ! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah Gill !

Monday

2005-05-02T17:56:08Z

" Today I will do my taxes , I received a $695 . Hell ya ! "

More money for school , Ive been Appartment hunting with keith , its exciting and fun ! I cant wait till the weekend . were going to go check out some places . If we get a rad pad im getting myself a puppie . hopefully fill a void in my life . i hear dogs do that ? do they ?

good news on the point of no returns !

2005-05-02T00:41:54Z

5 day ago .... thats a long time ago since my last post , and thats why im glad I keep a journal of things ive done lately , not only for the big picture but all the small details . Its good use to pick memories to elaborate on into songs and even just to reminis and change things for futures .

Since my last Entry I have : Gone to many shows , Played a show , Did many good things , Done many bad things , Ate many great meals , Ate from many fast food places , Seen the best of my life pass me by , Seen the worst catching up to me from behind ,Met a girl and wished i knew her name , Met many girls who already knew my name ,Celbrated a Birthday , Tightened old relationships , Lossened newer ones ,Was given gifts , Gave gifts ........ all to just do one thing . Focus more on Myself . Its the best gift I ever gave myself .

( this song is currently implanted into tips of my memories cause it is so impulsive ! )

http://www.newmusiccanada.com/genres/artist.cfm?mode=longBio&Band_Id=9946

my head hurts

2005-04-26T11:53:02Z

Lets put this as blunt as possible , while the taste of vomit is still fresh in my nostrils . I let myself down everytime I drink . I really should stop drinking , Even casualy . But I cant put myself to it . I pick it up like the old habit it is , and when im on it , im a monster , a different person , Ive heard stories , ive seen the outcome a million times . i wish it could be different .

5 Days

2005-04-25T12:41:36Z

Rock 'n' Roll , These are the things ive done since friday . Friday night it was rainy , me and keith and mike and callum and rory were going to goto a party . then it was cancelled . so me mike and keith got some pizza . it had peperoni extra cheese and mushrooms . Then we stopped by the FORD PLANT during the dance party , I felt my presence was awkward so I left after 10 mins . We all went back to my house and hung out and talked for a while then Mike had to take a cab to Caitlins cause its closer to his work . So then it was just me and keith . we stayed up all night gathering things to make " a river side view breakfast at sunrise " so we left my house at 4:00am and got back at 6:45am ! time of my life ! Saturday I went to watch Ryan Stanly at the ford plant , twas fun to say the least . Then late late in the evening me and mallory and kelly and rory went to J's place to drink . That was also cool because I was buying all these sweet drinks like ( Bailys and Coke , Redbull and Vodka , Malibu and Sprite ) I had a Pitcher of beer but after 1 glass I figured I rather drink cooler drinks . Sunday I woke up and drank in my bedroom and danced around all wastedly . It was awsome . I listened to every cd I own , It was a perfect day to spend by myself , after all was said and done I ate dinner and then played video games , I went into my fort bed and found a mixed drink , drank it and fell asleep .

My Favourite Picture

2005-04-23T22:38:36Z

This is my favourite picture of my self playing guitar , and im not even playing guitar .

I stole this from angela's journal

2005-04-20T14:43:27Z

This was stolen for sure !

A - age you got your first kiss: 11
B - band you're listening to right now: Dallas Green
C - crush: too many
D - dad's name: don't have one
E - easiest person to talk to: Angela Lewis & Keith Edmondson
F - favorite bands at the moment: Armor for Sleep , Wintersleep , New Found interest in CT
G - gummi bears or gummi worms: Bears
H - hometown: Brampton/Toronto
I - instruments: Piano (try) Mainly Guitar & Drums
K - kids: 2 boys 1 Girl
L - longest trip: Weekend in Quebec
M - mom's name: Colleen
N- nicknames: The gill , gillis , suntot , cabbage patch kid
P - phobia[s]: dying alone
Q - favorite quote: "my choice is what I choose to do , if im causing no harm , it shouldn't bother you "
R - reason to smile: Im Alive
S - song you sang last: A Recent Detachment ( OSV )
T - time you woke up [today]: 5:45am
U - unknown facts about me: there unknown for a reason
V - vegetable you hate: N/A
X - x-rays you've had: 6
Y - yummy food: taco bell
Z - zodiac sign: Taurus

2's day

2005-04-19T17:18:21Z

Can't talk much , really busy @ work ..... Just ate some lunch and I am sooooooooo full .

a few lil things ,

- got my cat treats , he's sweet
- going to play acs tomorrow
- if we win we get $300
- we are going to get T-shirts if we win or not
- This weekend calls for me to Party like no other cause its the last weekend I will ever be able to drink illegally !

Almost forgot !

2005-04-18T13:38:43Z

I got a Fortune in my jones sodas yesterday !

1st one said " you will continue to be lucky in love . "

I said " hahaha thats a joke " then opened my 2nd one and it said .

" Forgive Someone "

I found that to be weird !

Wadda Weekend !

2005-04-18T12:24:42Z

Long time no postage ! well ..... anyways , Friday I went to J's Place to watch some bands , there was'nt really anyone there , so after I got bored of the upstairs I decided to go down stairs and order some stuff from the bar . It was alright . Ended up getting home around 3:00am . Saturday we had a show at the ford plant , we played 3rd which in my opinion is the best time to play . I drank 2 Monsters and 2 Redbulls and 3 imitation Redbulls . I had alot of energy built up for when we played . In my Opinion we played excelent . Our last song is a New song I wrote the vocals too , I don't know what the other guys think of it , but we played it last and people told me they liked it . Sunday we went to Kitchener and Played Lazer Tag at Lazer Quest , then we went to a park and chased Swans and Ducks . Then I went home for a TAd and Callum called me to goto a abandoned farm , so we went and found tons of cool stuff . we proceded to dairy queen and then chilled at the side of the river and listened to Brian Borcherdt . I liked my weekend alot ! I can't wait for full fledged summer times to start .

The Scenic Route

2005-04-14T13:05:48Z

Last night me and callum went to dinner with his dad . it was sweet . his lil bro got a fly in his salad . then me and callum went back to his house , drank a 6 pack . I had meaningless drama to deal with until i decided to goto bed at 1:00am . I had a weird dream about a blonde haired girl having a party and her dad wanting to fight me , I didnt know the girl at the time but she looked strangly familiar . I woke up @ 6:00am , so I could get Callums Mo PEd ( babymotorcycle) ready for the road to drive to work ( cause i slept at callums ... duhhh ) . I was on the road about 6:30 just cruisin the back roads , so peacefull and beatiful .... It was like I was dreaming ........ I had to go on the back roads due to my lack of helmet and insurance .when I got close to work I went to tim hortons for a capachino (? i cant spell as of now) ! The girl who served me looked familiar . It was the girl from my dream . Thats weird how her face was inplanted into my memory subconciously from seeing her all the time when I go there , her names Larissa . now im at work working a bit . my stomach hurts from not eating but im really cafinated . I look forward to tomorrow , but I am still ejoin today !

a long steady journy , down a wild weavy path

2005-04-13T13:51:19Z

Another day , Another dollar . Thats not a good way to look at things but sometimes its too truthful to ignore . Well now its harder to accept that there is'nt really more I do than work 7:30 till 4:00pm every weekday , But I like work . Last night we had practice before the show Saturday @ Ford . I showed up , i knew Haig was there cause I could hear his drums , and I knew Callum was there cause its his house . I walk down stairs and Alex ( scotts girlfriend ) & A BROAD (we will call her ) were there . This Broad I hate . She has never done any harm or anything to me . I just hate her morals , and how she goes about things . If you remember back when we played at NORTH PARK , She was there .... she hitt on Callum , Keith & Rory ...... gave everyone of them her phone number and so on . A week or so has passed and I know that everyone of them has turned her down . So at band practice I knew she had alterier motives . If this girl just thinks that now she can try and hook up with me after she's tried for 3 of my friends she must be living in a dream world . Keith showed up to band practice and brought Julia , his Gf . Shes a cool girl . So that BROAD couldnt even hitt on keith . so mos def , her only option was to try for me . Her and Alex were writing notes and giggling like girls do while we were jamming . it made me very unattentive towards her . So around the end of practice she flashed a note at me .... it said .... and I quote " gillis would look hott in leather " WHAT IS THIS GIRL THINKING ? is she in gr 8 or something ? notes ? leather ?

Oh well , So i went down to the store and got 2 monsters ( energy drink ) wow . so good . im addicted . but there so popular now . i dont care .

I went home , had to skateboard of course . did'nt get offered a ride by anyone ( did'nt bother me really ) but its the thought that counts . I feel used sometimes , well not really used , just taken for granted . I wonder if everyone will miss me when I goto school . Im sure they will have no problem visiting me .

In Dreams

2005-04-12T13:19:53Z

Got home from work yesterday and really did'nt have anything to do , so I walked over to BrantPark which is close to my house . I was walking down through these trails near the river when I seen a Racoon ! or at least I thoguht . After a good 15mins of chasing him down " dukes of hazard " style . he stoped and turned around and looked me right in the eyes ..... then I noticed ...... thats a bever ! how could I ever get the two confused ..... I thought there were light brown racoons . Then he jumped in the river , never to be seen by me again . But he did lead me to a place where it seemed that someone had built a fire but did'nt light it . so i did the honours ..... I like camp fires . After chillin on a log for about 45mins doing my thing . I got a phone call from callum . " Im getting another tattoo !" he proclaimed . So i took the scenic route to go see it get done . I walked through down town where they are setting up for the movie "silent hill " which started filming yesterday . Im a loser so I obviously ran through all the props and fake buildings . After killing a good hour . I ended up at ODESSY the Tattoo parlor . I seen Callum , Shawn and Drew .... Shawn and Drew have said things about me in the past which I have found out ;ately which based my Opinions on them quite quickly . So i got about 60 insense and headed back home . Talked on the Phone .... passed out in my bed/fort listening to new Wintersleep . Then Switched it to Built to Spill . This is the Weird Part :

I had a dream .... it started I woke up in a hospital ... i wondered till i found a room where they were Cauterizing a mans arm , lots and lots of blood . thats where you turn it into a stump . They gave him a needle and I watched carefully ... it was a really run down place . Then living dead started breaking into the windows . everyone fled except me . I grabed a needle and searched the cubbords ( i dunno why ) I found that stuff they give you when you have a heart attack (adrenelin?). I jabbed the needle right into the center of my chest (when i woke up my chest hurt) and then another into my wrist ( wrist was ok when i woke up ) . then I ran as fast as I can ,it was like a blurr home . but before I got home , i woke up . I read up in this dream book my mother owns and I think that its a sign that things are going good in my life and im making the right decisions because it said " If I faced conflict and overcame " then I can probally relate it to my personal life . WooHOO for GILL !

I don't wanna take advice from fools !

2005-04-11T14:02:21Z

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah Monday ! the weekend FLEW ! I barely did anything eventful this weekend , but does'nt meen I didn't have a great time . Friday after work scott picked me up , then we picked up callum , then mike , then went to future shop and I got a new phone , plus a Neil Young CD ... Im in love . Saturday we jammed and got down a new song . Its the only song we have that I do the majority of the singing . which is odd . after that I just went to the ford plant alone . keith went home , callum stayed home . i hung out with lauren till all the bands were over . then some kid named cory all jacked up on E drove me home . he did alright for a cracked out little guy . then i spent the remainder of the night writing songs till 5am then slept till 10 am , went across to the river and went "fishing" hahahaha and went to work at callums dads and made some $$$$ then went to boston pizza and drank 2 vodka and redbulls . then went home , talked on the phone till late into the night and paseed out in my fort . sounds boring . im sorry . I had fun

surrounded by goodness and I can feel it in my vains

2005-04-08T16:57:02Z

Im not going to start this entry all like " yeah it's friday blah blah blah " cause thats not the reason im in a great moood , im in a great mood cause my life is effin sweet ! Ive been staying home and inside all week due to personal health problems but im going to enjoy this weather this weekend . It's lunch break at work right now , Ive been driving fork lift all day ( not something I get to do all the time ) most the time im on a walkie rider , its like a snow mobile mixed with a forklift , but now im actually driving lift . I just went next store to the actual Liquidation World Store and got a OceanSpray Juice , a 3 Pack of ankle socks , and a fucking sweet semi-tight pair of brown pants , Im never going to take them off and I haven't even put em on yet ! No plans yet for this weekend but im going to goto future shop and buy a new cell phone considering im still on a 2 year plan and i dont even own a reciever . Plus today was pay day and im feeling good with 6 bills . But hell money means nothing to me , but unfortunatly you need it to live , but ill probally spend a good chunk this weekend . Ive decieded that the only person I should please is myself , if im happy , then right on ! if it makes other people unhappy over my actions/decisions then fuck it ! you only live once .... and im going to make sure that I get exactly what I want out of this life .

I never said id take this lying down

2005-04-07T13:05:28Z

The day the snow disapears .

I think thats good its going to be warm and rain all day , hopefully clear away all the snow . Plus the 4 day forecast is all sun and in the high teens . Last night I called keith cause I was curious if he is going to go to fanshawe or not because originally , he was the reason I was going to college and I was his reason aswell . Because then it would'nt be a new begining , it would be a new chapter in a old one . But I think things are looking doubtful on his behalf , his parents don't want him to go and waste an extra year on a General Arts & Science certificate . Ive learned that in my life it is good to be a dreamer and hope that things will always turn out the way you hope . But Ive also learned that I shouldnt get my hopes up because it will just break me more when everything falls down . So I think im going to have to go alone , I don't know where that will leave the band ? I don't know where that will leave my friendships . I don't know if I will even be able to goto school and adapt (??) to a new setting with new people . Have you ever heard the song Caliber by Wintersleep .... if not you should read the lyrics and listen to it .... " you've got to many big plans " " you drive the exact speed limit , keep a good track of your mouth " its basically a song about someone who works so hard in their life to do everything right .... and what for ? a Wife and 2 kids and a steady paying job . I just dont know if I should continue to work to the bone for everything Ive ever wanted or should I try to fufill my dreams ? lifes hard .

Better ,

2005-04-06T14:21:44Z

Things are getting better , I cut the splint of my broken thumb , I figured ill just go on Painkillers instead of looking like a gimp . Had a good talk with angela last night , very releiving . It's supose to be liek 18 on thursday , thats stellar . So yeah .... i have like 3 shows I think I have to play with this broken thumb and I already played 2 not including those others , such a trooper . My hair is getting long and rugged .... but I can't cut it till my B-day or Haig will be pissed . Caroline showed me some AMAZING pictures she took of me from alot of shows lately . She says she has 1000000's , I beleive her , she is like Matt Gillis fan #1 hahaaha im honouredddddd ( did i mention I cant spell ). Last night was basicall a night to myself . I re aranged my basement , did laundry , made myself a healthy meal for once , listened to Viking Club , Contrived , Wintersleep , Ryan Stanly , New Found Interest in CT , Hoosier Poet . I just listened to everything I owned . Im at work right now .... work blows . it hurts my thumb to work . but i have no choice , i got bills to pay . I drew a wicked Charcole picture , and painted . Im not even an artist im just a little kid who likes to sketch , make a mess , not clean it up . Im going to go buy a 4 track recorder because I write too many songs and seriously im going to make my own cd with like 20 little songs on it ........ I got into college too , but i have to take a general arts class for 1 year ... im going to take ROck and ROll history !

well im out

peace !

blah

2005-04-05T15:12:42Z

We played good at NPC . My head Hurts a tad . I have too many life altering decisions to make in the next few weeks . I need new shoes . I need to buy a new phone . My friends are cool . So cool thats all their lifes seem to fall into place for them and I always have to struggle for things I want , even with that Im still never satisfied in the end . At first thought of it , I think im ungreatful , but then I think to myself ..... im greatful for the things i have .... but bitter about things I don't .

Things - Not Actual Items , but more along the lines of events/situations/conversations/relations/self evaluations

getting my life back off tracks

2005-04-04T15:23:34Z

So , it's now Monday . Im working with my Hyper exstended thumb ...... it fucking hurts . I got into Fanshawe for September so now I have to start to save my money . Tonight OSV is playing a NPC ... I dunno what time , im going at like 6:30 . The whole weekend i got lectures from my mother saying that " I should'nt be drinking " and im " ruining my life " Fuck That I say . My lifes gone to shits anyways , so I can't really Ruin it . Fleetwood Mac just came on the radio , thats sweet . Last night out of Spite I drank a micky of tequila . i was so trashed ( thank god for disco shit ) . . . . .. . . . . .....

antigillis @ 2005-04-01T09:35:00

2005-04-01T14:37:57Z

What a fucking Idiot I am ! Im so disapointed with myself .......... Last night me and keith were drinking before we played , I spilt a pitcher of beer on mallory then we played around 11:30 and we were all fucking trashed ............ I lost my cell phone , now I have to go buy a new one ! fucking shit ! I hate myself right now ........... i fell asleep on the train tracks last night , cut my eye , broke my thumb ..... seriously im could go jump off a bridge right now .

take this knife from my hands

2005-03-31T13:44:40Z

Thursday , the day closest to friday but furthest from wednesday ! oh how I love you so . oh how i love that you are so quite and mystic ! oh how I don't really give a shit about you , cause your just another day of the week .

If you have a chance , check out J's place tonight .... im getting drunk for sure ( i deserve it ! )

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh Girl - quote " keith edmondson "

Just when you think...

2005-03-30T16:37:13Z

So much time and no one to share
If I took my life
I wonder who'd care

If I stole a name, and changed it to fit
would anyone notice,
would it go missed?

If I took my heart, and placed on a line
would anyone look,
or is it just a waste of their time

If I took that name, and moved far away
no one would know me
id have so much more to say

I could be me, and live without fear
that I would have a new life
while my past would be clear